March 26, 2019
Earlier this month, a Seattle-based former piccolo player posted this ad on Craiglist to sell his instrument. But this isn’t your run-of-the-mill ad … this guy clearly had some issues and a wallop of humour. I had to make some minor grammar fixes and edit out some content to keep it – um – clean, but you’ll get the idea. The link no longer works. so let’s hope post-exorcism, this piccolo found a good home. Enjoy.
They call the trumpet “God’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I’m giving you the chance to own “Satan’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone, this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how.
Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this Bundy bpc-300 Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From its compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you’re thinking of starting a coup, this picc is all you need.
This instrument has the ability to sing an “A” five lines above the staff so crisp and clear, that if you’re not careful may actually cleave your conductor’s brain clean in half. It’s highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed “X.”
Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target’s neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beelzebub’s piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.
Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:
–sudden unexpected nosebleeds
— heart palpitations
— loss of sanity
— inexplicable rage
— spontaneous combustion
— abandonment of the will to live
— (a certain body part) leakage
It’s a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on its user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.
Since I’m livin’ the dream, I’m retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?
-$200 OBO. Pickup in Redmond.